Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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