thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Randomize
