Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
