dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
