what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
