Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
