I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
everyone is single if you try hard enough
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
