when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize