Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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