This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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