please come you make the beer taste better
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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