Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I will die if light touches me.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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