I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
