Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
My pussy is not your playground.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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