dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
