The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
