my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
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