I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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