your thong is hanging out like whoa
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
