You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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