"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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