My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
