my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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