Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
