he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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