She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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