BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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