so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
