Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
