At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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