Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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