They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
