So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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