Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I deserve to be covered in dicks
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Randomize
