We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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