I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
