Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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