im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Randomize
