i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
