When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
