he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
