DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
operation have a gay friend backfired
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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