Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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