Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
