She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
