it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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