Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
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