the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i came on her dog
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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