it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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