All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
