I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
