so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize