I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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