guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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