she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
