It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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