I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
