If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
