How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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