Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Randomize
